DIABOLICAL: Evil Schemes Done Better

“You simply must introduce me to that pile of rats”

The panel of peril down a big glass of red wine and eat a plate of delicious, steamed broccoli and roasted garlic before taking in this week’s film Bram Stoker’s Dracula (Francis Ford Coppola, 1992).

Count Dracula (Gary Oldman) is an elderly gent rattling around in his large home, pining after his lost love Elisabeta (Winona Ryder). When solicitor Jonathon Harker (Keanu Reeves) tu...

“A haiku?”

Fighting their way past a load of goons, down a narrow corridor, the panel of peril struggle to make any headway. Finally finishing off the last of the lads (no laughing at the back there!), they slump in their chair exhausted and watch this week’s film Oldboy (Park Chan-wook, 2003).

Oh Dae-su (Choi Min-sik) is a bit of a d-bag. A drunken, irresponsible, womanising d-bag, to be specific. When he is inexplicably locked up...

“Here lies Will Carling, the rugby guy who sh@gg3d Diana”

The panel of peril try to wrangle their pigs into the pigpen but repeatedly fall over and get all muddy. They shower off at the water hole and decide to watch a film instead: Unforgiven (Clint Eastwood, 1992).

1880: Ex-outlaw Bill Munny (Eastwood) was a bad, bad man before settling down and becoming a family man. He’d happily off women and children in his pursuit of dough al...

“He's not rump; he's tripe”

The panel of peril finish inspecting the last of the cow’s udders on the farm they’re working on and head home to watch this week’s film Napoleon Dynamite (Jared Hess, 2004).

Napoleon (Jon Heder) is a typical teen: he lives with his Grandma (Sandy Martin), brother Kip (Aaron Ruell), and an alpaca named Tina. He enjoys doing sweet jumps on bikes, sketching mythical creatures of his own creation, and catch...

“Can we all agree now that it makes more sense than Kurgan being Ric Flair in a carpark'”

The panel of peril stand about a bit as a battle rages around them; no one will fight them for some reason. As they are clearly too ‘ard for the other combatants, they head home to watch this week’s film Highlander (Russell Mulcahy, 1986).

Connor Macleod (Christopher Lambert) can only be killed by the act of decapitation (preferably by sword)....

“Sh!t happens, wocka wocka!”

The panel of peril take a chunk a meat from the salt barrel, a tot of rum from the rum barrel, and a film from the DVD barrel. That film is Muppet Treasure Island (Brian Henson, 1996), and we settle in to watch with this week’s special guest Nemonie Craven!

Jim Hawkins (Kevin Bishop) has in his possession a certain map. That map leads to a certain island. A treasure island, in fact. Flanked by Gonzo (Da...

“It’s a range war – you’re kicking that chimp to death”

The panel of peril have just missed their bus and are stranded in the middle of a lonely, windy mountain range. Fortunately, there’s a creepy abandoned house nearby which they settle into to watch this week’s film Phenomena (Dario Argento, 1985).

Jennifer (Jennifer Connelly) is an American girl currently taking residence at an all-girls school in Switzerland. Not only that, bu...

“You’re like a podcasting Nostradamus”

The panel of peril are absolutely battering each other – limbs, teeth and shoes are flying hither and thither. They stop and think ‘actually this is awfully silly of us, let’s watch a film instead.’ And they do; this week’s treat The Night Comes For Us (Timo Tjahjanto, 2018).

Ito (Joe Taslim) is a member of the elite Six Seas group who look after smuggling routes across Asia for the Triad. But...

“I know you think of yourself as a Mark Wahlberg-type character”

The panel of peril wipe the unsightly chunk of banana off the side of their mouth and slip into something more comfortable to watch this week’s film The Naked Gun (David Zucker, 1988).

Police Squad’s finest, Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), is tasked with investigating an attack on Det. Nordberg (OJ Simpson) just as the city is expecting a huge visit from Queen Eliz...

“Where are The Beverly Hillbillies during this?”

The panel of peril just about make it home, despite the banana up their tailpipe (fnar, fnar), in their battered old automobile. Just in time to check out this week’s film Beverly Hills Cop (Martin Brest, 1984).

Detroit cop Axel Foley (Eddie Murphy) is a streetwise, proverbial good cop who knows how to collar a perp. Unfortunately, his friend Mikey falls foul of Beverly Hills bad sod...

“You can only have one muppet in it – that’s a dealbreaker”

The panel of peril put away their copy of Gun Owners Weekly, clean up, and settle down in the soft neon light of their oversized crucifix to watch this week’s film Se7en (David Fincher, 1995).

Detectives Somerset (Morgan Freeman) and Mills (Brad Pitt) are the original chalk and cheese: one is a jaded, cynical veteran, the other a cocky, optimistic newcomer to the nameless ...

“I know you're being light-hearted, but baguettes are way stronger than a sausage roll”

‘Are you not entertained!’ scream the panel of peril at their slack-jawed neighbours, wearing just a comical pair of white y-fronts. They are entertained; very much so. With that, they pick up their bottle of milk and head inside to watch this week’s film Gladiator (Ridley Scott, 2000).

General Maximus (Russell Crowe) has it all – sweet fur cape...

“Magic Michael is my father. You can call me Magic Mike”

The panel of peril roll 2 D20s, snake eyes. They roll again: snake eyes. They roll for a third time – snake eyes. The hell with this, they collectively groan and instead switch on this week’s film Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (Jonathan Goldstein and John Francis Daley, 2023).

A merry band of thieves comprising bard Edgin (Chris Pine), barbarian Holga (Michelle ...

“A heavy rain of chow mein”

Does busting, as the old saying goes, make you feel good? The panel of peril are here to answer this question and much more besides as they take on this week’s film, Ghostbusters (Ivan Reitman, 1984).

Peter (Bill Murray), Ray (Dan Aykroyd) and Egon (Harold Ramis) are three down on their luck university researchers of the paranormal. Just as all manner of ghostly activities begins to kick off, they get ca...

“It’s the Caesar’s Palace of that particular planet”

The panel of peril knit themselves a multi-coloured scarf, put on the scarf and watch this week’s film, Dr. Who And The Daleks (Gordon Flemyng, 1965), whilst being uncomfortably hot in the scarf.

Eccentric inventor Dr. Who (Peter Cushing) has just invented a contabulous fabtraption named TARDIS. A jolly complicated machine that can travel through time and space. But when granddau...

“If it makes sense like I think it makes sense in my head, then we’re onto a winner”

The panel of peril place their bets on their praying mantis of choice, watch it get roundly battered by its mantis opponent, and then stick on this week’s film Enter The Dragon (Robert Clouse, 1973).

Lee (Bruce Lee) is a highly proficient martial artist and disciple of Shaolin. He is yet to encounter a man he can not defeat or school. So who better...

“Why don't you poke your little noodle through 'em then?”

The panel of peril take a glug from a spectacularly large cup of coffee, admire an oversized map of Atlantic City, and focus their gigantic heads on a screen showing this week’s film So I Married An Axe Murderer (Thomas Schlamme, 1993).

Charlie (Mike Myers) is a footloose/fancy-free young chap who has a serious problem with making romantic commitments. But he’s hopeful that ...

“Greggs sausage roll, that's the British donut isn't it”

Venturing up into the attic to retrieve some Christmas decorations, the panel of peril get quite the fright: a television that is showing this week’s film Black Christmas (Bob Clark, 1974).

In an unnamed sorority house, Jess (Olivia Hussey), Barb (Margot Kidder), Mrs. Mac (Marian Waldman) et al have a Christmas they will never forget. They receive sinister phone calls and see...

“$60 million on quiche?!”

The panel of peril complete their naked tai chi session, have a quick wash around the key areas, and watch this week’s film Die Hard 2 (Renny Harlin, 1990).

How can the same stuff happen to the same panel two years in a row? John McClane (Bruce Willis) just wants a quiet Christmas with his wife Holly (Bonnie Bedelia), but a bunch of criminal types have other ideas. Led by Thornberg (William Atherton), a gr...